I’m beginning again—pushing through the chaos to get back into a rhythm and a flow. It’s been an eventful couple of months. I forgot how insane of a life-event moving is (maybe like childbirth, there’s an element of naivety built into moving that keeps us from remembering how crazy it really is?). As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, we made a temporary move to Northern California last August with minimal possessions. And as it turns out, the temporary component was removed from our adventure as we both sold our home in Colorado and purchased a home in Redding in the last couple of months. Our family was doing just fine with our minimal possessions but then all our stored crap from our basement and garage in Colorado found their way to our current garage here in Redding (evidence on my Instragram @MorganHansow).
I don’t know about you, but when my physical space is unsettled, I have a hard time grounding myself emotionally and spiritually. I know it’s possible to have peace amidst the craziness of moving. My thoughts automatically go back 11 years when we moved to Uganda with 10 suitcases, a double stroller, and our two-and-a-half year-old son to adopt our daughter. Things were new and unpredictable in a foreign country for sure, but for the most part there was peace in my spirit. And even when our family had to make an emergency move eight years ago–because our marriage and family were in jeopardy–I had peace. 2009 is what I have labeled ‘the year from hell,’ I was so deep in heartbreak that I have no recollection of even packing my house. I think our amazing families did it, but I’m not sure!? At that point I didn’t care about our stuff because we literally trying to hold onto to each other. But that peace hasn't been too present in this current moving season. Ask Dave and he’ll tell you that I’ve been a little uptight and ungrounded these past couple months.
Maybe it's because we're away from family and familiarity? Or maybe it's because the timing of everything culminated around the end of school and the shift into summer? Sometimes I wonder if it has anything to do with age? As in the older we get, the harder it gets to readjust to change? I think that’s what the world would say—as you age you get more rigid, less flexible, and less adaptable. Thank God our physical experience doesn’t have to dictate our spirits, we have choice and we can choose despite our circumstances. It just might take a little (or a lot) release and grace. My natural tendency when things feel out of control is to retreat and find things I can control. In my current situation I’ve retreated from life-giving things and routines like writing and exercising and redirected my efforts to things that feel momentarily satisfactory and achievable like painting and unpacking boxes. And in my distractions I’ve taken on shame—which only further perpetuates the retreating. Remember in the Garden? Shame led to hiding. And the longer you hide and avoid, the easier it gets to stay in that holding pattern and the deeper you fall into the pit of shame.
That’s how I’ve felt with Yes& (and exercising). I find myself paralyzed and unable to start again because I feel so much guilt and shame about having let those priorities drop in the first place. However, it’s a new month and I have a renewed perspective. My house is still not in order, our garage and its plethora of boxes will suck the life from me if I let it, and my mental to-do list is a mile-long, BUT I choose…to get up today, to do yoga, to unpack just two boxes, and to write again. Yes I do, but more importantly, in my doing, I’m also throwing off the blanket of shame and guilt and declaring it won’t hold me down anymore. It’s a continual cycle of allowing ourselves grace because we were meant for more life and more freedom.
As our Readers, thank you for your patience and grace in my season of upheaval and transition. What about you? Where do you need to practice grace with yourself? Where do you need to begin again?
Morgan is a storyteller at heart. After running an NGO in Uganda for 7 years, she and her husband, Dave, currently record a weekly podcast called Chasing Unicorns, produce and host The FIND series, run the CB Ideas design agency, and mange Yes& Collective. Morgan also co-authored the newly released children’s book, The Girl Chronicles: A Story of Good. She’s a mom to two middle schoolers, Asher & Jadyn, and so when she’s not driving them around, she fills herself up with yoga, reading, air-popped popcorn, and all things coconut flavored. IG: @MorganHansow & @HansowFamily www.HansowFamily.com