My mind is a file cabinet and I frantically search through every sheet, trying to connect the dots between my sadness and the surrounding circumstances, yet I keep coming up short. What is this feeling?
I want to get more comfortable with the tension. With the lack of definition. With the fact that magic and fear can co-exist in my little 10-year-old world, and magic and monotony can co-exist in my bigger 30-something-year-old-world.
The point isn’t to look for the negatives in the atmosphere but to know that God is excited to be invited into every circumstance and experience and He can shift the entire feeling in a room if you ask Him to.
If you’re wondering where that community is for you, I want to hand you my bouquet of lavender… I extend this to you in confident affirmation that it IS coming. You won’t always feel lonely or disconnected.
I began to feel the start of a bit of unraveling… I fought it as I was honestly so sick and tired of becoming unraveled about my infertility. She whispered, “He can tell that you are afraid to hope, Adge.”
I think there are some sacred places where God helps us push through our fears. Often, these places are where you get to be in your glory; meaning they are where you feel alive, feel free, feel fully yourself.
In my mind, the story of my last two years (although profoundly precious) has been so deeply painful, that I thought if I completely let go, it would mean that part of my life would be null and void. Dead. Over.